Larry Starr-Karlin, JD, MA, LMFT Psychotherapy - Couples Counseling - Group Therapy      MFC44427

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RELATIONSHIP MAP

(No Surprises, Please)

This is a guide to formulating an agreed set of expectations for your relationship as you move ahead toward long-term commitment.  I hope it will stimulate your imagination.  Adapt it freely to your particular circumstances. Where do you want to be in your relationship in a year, 5 years, 10 years or more? If there are differences of opinion, it is important to know that now, to work things out before critical events overtake you.  No one can foretell the future, and there will surely be unavoidable surprises that you will face together.  This exercise will help avoid those surprises that can be avoided.  If you do not know where your partner stands on these questions, you do not know your partner very well.

Marriage plans:  Will we be married? When?  What will the wedding be like? 

Living arrangements:  Will we live together?  With whom?  Where? Are we willing to move? Own a home or rent? How will we afford to purchase a home?  Who does the cooking? Cleaning?  Laundry? Gardening? Repairs?

Work/Career:  Will we both work? How important is career to each of us?  Is one of our careers more important?  Are we willing to move for the sake of career?  What will happen if we have children?

Financial:  How important is making money? For both assets and income, what is individual and what is jointly owned?  How are expenses shared? Will we have a budget?  Are we willing to incur debt? Under what circumstances? How much should we save? How will our investments be managed?  Will we file joint tax returns?  Are we open and candid with each other about our financial affairs or do we keep our business to ourselves?  Are there pre-existing debts?  How will they be handled?

Sexual:  What will our sex life be like?  How will we meet each other’s sexual needs?  Or will we?  Is monogamy expected of both of us?  Are lovers OK?  Under what conditions? 

Relational:  Are all important decisions jointly made?  Is one of us “the decider” in certain areas? Which ones? How do we deal with differences?  How do we deal with breakdowns in communication? How do we give each other emotional support? 

Friendships:  How important are individual friendships? Friendships with other couples?  How intimate can we be with friends? (Same sex or opposite sex?)  Can we talk to friends about our partner and our relationship?  Can we talk to friends about things we can’t talk about with each other? Can we trust our partner with former lovers? How will we deal with jealousy/insecurity? 

Children:  Do we both want children?  How many?  How dedicated will each of us be to parenting?  Will one of us be the primary caretaker?  For how long?  Are we in accord regarding daycare, pre-school, public or private schooling, discipline, religious education, help/interference by family?  Will there be step-children?  What will our roles be?  Where will our loyalties be? 

In-Laws and Other Family:  How much time do we spend with parents? Other family? How do we stand up for each other?  Anyone one of us doesn’t like?  How will we deal with that person?

Recreation and Travel:   How often will we vacation?  Where will we go?  How important are date nights?  What things do we enjoy doing together? Separately?  How much time will we spend apart?  How much business travel is OK?

Religion/Spirituality:  How important is religious or spiritual practice to each of us?  How will we deal with differences in belief?

Societal/Political Philosophy:  Are our social and political values aligned (e.g. liberal – conservative, activist – uninvolved)?  Do we support the same causes?  Do we both need to be involved?  How much difference can we tolerate?

                                                                                                                                                           11/23/07

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In lieu of the standard communications handout, I use this tongue-in-cheek guide to convey the same informaton in humorous form:

HOW TO INITIATE AND ESCALATE A FIGHT

Here is a useful guide for people who want to ruin their relationships. Trust me, they’re out there. Or, they may just want to get in a low blow, thinking they’re too clever or dominant to be vulnerable to retribution despite the Equalizing Law of Relationship  [ their partner will see to it that they are equally miserable]. And, some couples do enjoy an occasional fight.  This should help in all three of these situations .

THE FIVE LEVELS OF ATTACK

 1. Criticize behavior.  It’s hard to complain in a way that cannot be taken as an attack, albeit the mildest form. So complain a lot.  We know that finding a way to express appreciation and/or acknowledge good intentions helps a complaint to be heard in a constructive way, so if you want to engender defensiveness, if not a good fight,  go right for the criticism, point the finger, “You did _________,” “You didn’t_____________, especially in a harsh, accusatory tone . 

2. Criticize feelings.  Telling someone they shouldn’t feel a certain way, i.e. they’re not entitled to their thoughts and feelings, is a good way to engender shame, feelings of inadequacy. Maybe they’ll go off and sulk.  Of course, by the equalizing law of relationship, they will get you back in some way, but not right now.

3. Criticize character.  Not as hard as it sounds, just say “You always _______________,” or You never___________________, which is really attacking the kind of person they are.  Better yet, attach labels or, call names “You’re lazy, dishonest, unloving, narcissistic, etc.”   The more global you can make it, the more provocative it will be.

4. Make an accusatory interpretation.  E.g.“You’re really mad at ______________ and you’re taking it out on me” or “You really feel____________ and you’re projecting those feelings onto me” When we say we know better than our partner what they’re thinking and feeling, we’re really affronting them.  This is sometimes called “mind rape”.  Be prepared for a good, angry reaction.

5.  Criticize motivation.  E.g. “You really wanted this to degenerate into a fight”  By saying this, of course, you did, but don’t let on.  This can be more provocative that an ordinary accusatory interpretation, because you deny any good intentions on their part, wounding their own good image of themselves.

When you’re on the receiving end of one of these attacks, and you want to see how much your partner will escalate, do not acknowledge their disappointment and hurt feeling.  Do not admit to anything and never apologize, even if you know you were wrong.  Use one or more of these six types of defenses to keep things going.

THE SIX TYPES OF DEFENSIVE RESPONSES

1. Denying   It never happened, or it wasn’t me who did it. Done well, this is an excellent way of attacking your partner’s sense of reality, and self esteem. It denies your partner’s phenomenology, that they could have a different experience of the event in question than you did.  Rather, it asserts that you are right and they are wrong. This argument can go on forever.

2. Explaining i.e. Making Excuses.  You couldn’t help it, you had no choice.  You’re insulting your partner’s intelligence here , because you both know it’s bullshit, and you are inviting a level 3 attack (on your character) to keep the argument escalating.

3. Counterattacking.  A good offense is the best defense.  For a good escalation, come back with a higher level of attack.  Pretend not to realize that your partner is in an attacking state of mind just for this moment; react like it’s forever.

4. Self-accusing.  “I can’t do anything right.”  This really denies responsibility, and denies any hope or willingness to change.  Also, it engenders guilt and resentment.  This ploy can be disarming momentarily, but very aggravating in the long run, and keeps thing simmering for a long time.

5. Fixing.  This shows your impatience with your partner’s hurt feelings, a subtle level 2 counterattack.   Leaves your partner alone in their feelings, proving you don’t care or don’t have the capacity for concern. It’s subtle, because after all, you are now finally addressing the original problem.

6. Withdrawing  To make this really frustrating  for your partner, don’t admit you are overwhelmed, or promise that you’ll be back when you’ve regained your bearings, just leave them with their feelings. Abandonment is a great defense. They’ll be furiously waiting to resume the original argument and argue about the abandonment as well.

This analysis of attacks and defenses is adapted from DanielB.Wile, After the Fight, Guilford Press (1993)    

The Equalizing Law of Relationship is from Philip Lichtenberg, Getting Even, University Press (1988 )

                                                                                                                                          11/5/07