Larry Starr-Karlin, JD, MA, LMFT Psychotherapy - Couples Counseling - Group Therapy      MFC44427

For couples experiencing relational distress, Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples is one of the few clinically proven methods.  We work with a couple's here and now feelings and facilitate new, corrective emotional experiences for lasting change.

Cycle  De-escalation is the first major focus of the work. We focus on the process between the partners—what reactive feelings are aroused, who does, says, and thinks what— what this triggers in the other—and so on. We go over this many times until both partners recognize a clear pattern, their relational moves or dance. Being able to articulate their roles, and take responsibility for their parts in the dance results in de-escalation. The couple starts to notice the dance as it intrudes on their daily lives, and more and more they can stop it from playing out in the usual ways.

Re-engagement and Softening happen next. As the cycle becomes a common enemy we help the couple to identify and speak about their deeper, underlying feelings: the hurt, the fears of rejection or abandonment, the longing for connection and approval.  The very feelings that were too dangerous to name or even be aware of before therapy—when the reactivity was so high—are now explored and shared in an increasingly safe and supportive relational environment.  We start with the person who tends to withdraw or become defensive, helping them to more fully express their wants and fears, to risk being present for their partner. Then we move to help the person who tends to blame or criticize do the same. We take time to make sure both partners are heard and fully understood.

Consolidation comes last. Now we can return to the issues that brought the couple into therapy—if they are still pertinent! By the end of therapy the couple feels more secure, happier, more loving and better able to weather the inevitable stresses of living.

 A couple I once knew who could have benefited from EFT